Talk:Avernus

Grammar and continuity issues?

I noticed some issues on the page, mostly grammar and/or spelling, but some layout issues as well. I'll just hit them in order of appearance on the page.

• For winning the contest, he gets to be the governor of the island and reform it according to the plan he submitted for the contest. His plan includes giving away one of every shop type and culminates with a blockade at Lima Island (Nemo is his arch enemy) Avernus summoned 4 demons to help him in his task of reforming Sakejima: Deathdemon, Wardemon, Faminedemon, and Plaguedemon. Avernus' main pirate is Av

• Should this be in past or present tense? Personally I'm inclined to say past tense since the event is long over, but that's just me. There are two spaces instead of one between "reforming" and "Sakejima." Also, there needs to be a period after "Avernus' main pirate is Av".

• In "Avernus' Story:"

• "(an Alt of Zeus)" should be (an alt of Zeus)
• "between my thumb and fore finger" should be "... forefinger."
• "and thought "First, I need a leader" should be "...thought, "First,..."
• "So many torture souls to chose from...." should be "...tortured souls" and only four periods for an ellipses
• (side note, is the referencing of other pirates in this spirit technically allowed? I'm unsure, but to me it seems a little mean-spirited. However, I do know this is from the event itself, so ... I don't know?)
• "and found something evil, something that no one would suspect, something to do his bidding" should be "...someone evil, someone that no one would suspect, someone to do his bidding," correct? Because Avernus was a person, not a thing.
• "the blood red moon" should be "the blood-red moon." I think, at least ... last time I checked those were connected with a hyphen.
• "the green ooze swamp lake" should be... I don't know, actually. "The oozing green swamp lake," maybe?

• In "Avernus' Contest:"

• The title should be changed to "Avernus' Contests."
• "they crushed Nemo (3-0) Avernus" should be "they crushed Nemo (3-0). Avernus..."
• The formatting in this is really, really weird. Perhaps change it to something like this:

• You can't take it with you, but Hades Can (Iron Monger Shop Give Away)

This was a contest to see who could sell the most stone to Avernus in a given period of time.

• PoE one Cares (Win the Bank on Sakejima)

The Bank was given away in an evil trivia contest.

Either way, it would look better if the commentary/explanations of the contests were indented under the contest links.

• "This was a story contest for how you were done wrong by another pirate on Cobalt Ocean" needs to have a period at the end.
• "This was a sloop sinking competition entered by flag and lasted several weeks." is not very clear. Perhaps change it to something like "This competition was entered by flags as a whole and required them to sink sloops in Death's Banner."?
• "This was a last solo sloop floating on a blockade board contest for Avernus' Black/Maroon Parrot named Nevermore." doesn't need to have "sloop" and "parrot" linked, does it?
• "The was an exclusive stick SF tourney." -- should "SF" be expanded to "swordfighting"?
• "fruit to Avernus is a two week period." -- is should be in.
• "Avernus is giving Lima away to the person with the best plan." should probably be changed to past tense since the event's over, and so people unfamiliar with the history don't think that the contest is still going on. Confusion is bad.

• In "Avernus' Statement:"

• Pretty sure the whole thing should have quotation marks around it.
• "I could at will unleash" should be "I could, at will, unleash..." (unless, of course, we're leaving it as-is, since Avernus wrote that, right?
• "lock has been broken...." should have only four periods. I think?

Phew, I'm done. I think that's everything. Hope this helps! --Gloraelin 01:22, 11 April 2010 (UTC)

Punctuation

The punctuation in this article needs work, especially the opening paragraph. -- Franklincain ^(t/c) 18:07, 7 August 2013 (PDT)