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The Hapless Sailor
I. His Desperate Cry
So many days I have upon this isle
Awaited death, each day to be denied;
And so upon my last scrap I confide
My whereabouts - the map within this phial.
Marooned by crewmates of the sort most vile -
Betraying lot, bereft of meanest pride! -
Somehow I live on what the Earth's supplied,
Surviving by my canny wit and guile.
Oh do you hear my pitiful bleak cries?
Does some fine lass cry tears for such as me?
If you, fair dame, my name might recognise
Then Rummy John would ever grateful be
If at the least you heard the last good-byes
Of this old salt, at rest beside the sea.
II. The Maiden's Reply
Oy, John! Ye lout, ye never were too bright!
It comes as no surprise ta this ol' wench,
O' all tha mates that ever learned ta write,
This note would be suffused wit' yer own stench.
I see ye drank yer bottle clean o' rum -
Yer never one ta waste a drop, ye drunk -
An' on tha label fancied ta scrawl some!
Yer lucky I c'n read it, lousy skunk.
I reco'nize tha point on this, yer "map",
Tho' mangled by yer hand and soaked wit' foam.
Jus' stay righ' there, ye lazy sack o' crap,
By mornin's light I'll have ye back at home.
Ye've stumbled down tha steps an' gone too far -
I never shoulda thrown ye from tha bar!
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1.
Ahoy! 'Tis Captain Bradley Roger here,
The scourge of seven seas and feared by all.
Beware and listen, tremble in your fear,
I do not brag - my exploits will enthrall!
I'm known as 'Jolly Roger' far and wide;
I've trounced my fearsome foes in battles bold.
Great conquests with the ladies cause some pride
For 'Brad th'Impaler' - no, that can't be told.
I found vast treasure, buried deep in sand,
Acquired a parrot, yellow green and red;
Doubloons and feasts and rum while on the land,
At sea, a steely drive keeps me ahead.
So ends the latest news of Captain Brad.
Until next letter. P.S. love to Dad.
2.
My darling boysie-woysie, happy day!
I always knew that you would be the best
When man and ocean put you to the test;
Perhaps you're right to choose the pirate way.
What lovely news - a hit with girls - I say!
The victories at sea, and all the rest;
And buried gold? Your Dad is so impressed
With your achievements since you went away.
Advice to you and all your little friends:
Don't let that parrot poop all down your coat,
Or give you flu, or bite you on the head.
Don't swear, don't fight, don't meet with sticky ends;
And wear those hand-knit undies on the boat,
And say your prayers each night before your bed.
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The Fair Maiden And Her Pirate Love
(Aka, Pierre The Big Jerk!)
Rose, to Pierre:
My dearest pirate plunderer, Pierre,
Just as I promised you, today I write
You occupy my thoughts both day and night
I'm hoping soon you'll have more time to share
For you I crave, just as I do the air
The day we spent was truly a delight,
The walk we shared, with just the stars as light
The feelings that I have cannot compare
The beautiful red flower that you gave,
I have it still, it holds a treasured place,
When can I hope to once again repose
With you, my wonderful and charming knave?
I long to feel your touch and see your face
Eternally, I'm yours forever, Rose.
Pierre, to Rose:
Alas, dear Rose, I'm glad to hear from you
It's been too long indeed, we've been apart
Your lovely eyes of brown (or maybe blue?),
Have surely left their mark upon my heart
The time we spent together, it was grand
I swear that ev'ry detail I recall
The night we walked, in starlight, on the sand
(or was it on the dock? Along the wall?)
So many grand adventures I've been on
I likely have too many tales to share
The last of all this madder's nearly gone
Then I can be with you, my Rose. Pierre.
P.S. my dear, I feel for you the same
But please, in your response, give your last name
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The Lovelorn Pirate's Lament
I. The Denial
My darling boy I cannot let you now
Give unto me all that your heart desires
And do not ask me for I know not how
We'll re-unite our two undwindling fires.
Please do not doubt my love, for it is true
As deep as the wide sea between our isles
I wish I could but feel the way you do
As unregarding of our two lives' trials
But what I truly want, I do not know
I haven't room right now for you and me
And though I wish you here you still must go
And sail alone, adrift, upon the sea
The gulf dividing us is vast and great
And we are but the storm-tossed slaves of fate
II. The Promise
My love, I wish that our fates could be changed
To make the leagues between us disappear
To take from you your burden and your fear
I'd give the stars to see things rearranged
My love, you know I'd gladly be estranged
From all that until now I have held dear
I'd give it all if I could have you near
And through it all my love would be unchanged
My sweetest girl, you will not let me give
This greatest gift I long to offer you
Or close the leagues that keep us far apart
And yet, I swear, as long as I may live
What pains may come won't make these words untrue:
You'll always have this sailor's tender heart
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To The Innkeeper:
I wish to register my stern complaint,
Regarding the behaviour of your clerk.
His actions yesterday have left me irk'd;
I fear your reputation he doth taint.
'Twas only through the greatest of restraint,
I kept myself from going full berserk,
And plucking out his heart upon my dirk;
He's lucky I've the patience of a saint.
In recompense for this, my one desire
Is to receive a small apology.
(Admittedly, I hope the boy is fired,
'Tis only fair, I'm sure you will agree.)
And one last thing in closing: I require
The remainder of my stay here should be free.
My Dear Captain:
You know that every guest's complete delight
And satisfaction is my highest goal.
I swear my clerk has always been polite;
He is a paragon of self-control.
I can't imagine what would cause the boy
To utter such a horrible insult.
He knows that such behaviour would destroy
My trust and his career as a result.
As luck would have it, when this all occurred,
I had just arrived back at the inn.
I was in the back, and overheard,
The words he said to cause us such chagrin.
My clerk asked when you wanted to get supper;
'Tis not my fault your ears heard "Go get scupper'd!"
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I was distressed to find ye'd gone away
And even worse, ye'd taken her with ye.
I thought I'd be the last one ye'd betray
But I was wrong now that ye're out to sea.
Ye sneaky thing, ye've run off with my love
Just knowing she's with ye has torn my heart
If I were there, I'd gift ye with a shove
And ye would join the sea ne'er 'gain to part.
But though I want to wish ye ill and worse,
I know she's safe with ye until yer end,
So I'll be careful and yer name won't curse
Until both ye and she come home again.
And then, when ye have brought her back to land
I'll get me sword and kill ye where ye stand.
Well now, it seems I've done ye wrong, that's true
Though with yer threats ye can't think I'll return
Before yer actions cease to cause concern
And yer belief that some great harm I'm due.
I introduced ye to her so ye'd learn.
By practicing the things to which ye're new.
Repeating actions help ye once ye're through
In more than normal ways that ye discern.
But why'd ye think ye had a right to her?
That she would be just yers and yers alone?
She's mine, not yers at all, so take a trip.
I'm not surprised yer love has caused a stir
She's great, I'll grant, but some advice I'll loan,
I think it's time to get yer own dang ship.
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